Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the
swamp near the lake in Canberra.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,
"I can't understand how
you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age, we were the same
size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big Crock, "what have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Crock.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking
lot by the Parliament House."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars
and wait for one to unlock
the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg,
shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!"
Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem.
You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish
shaking the shit
out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase."

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into
The Warehouse with her two kids in tow, screaming
obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to
The Warehouse, nice children you've got there.
Are they twins?"
The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:
"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the
youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?.....
Do you really think they look alike, you di*khead?"
"Absolutely not, Madam, " replies the greeter,
"I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!"

Black Panties

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back
into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom I have someone for you to meet.
" Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,
he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont .
Their first night there, she undressed as he did
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties;
he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked,
"Why the black panties?" She replied: "My breasts you can fondle,
my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties,
and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?" He replied,
"I want to offer my deepest condolences"