Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the
swamp near the lake in Canberra.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,
"I can't understand how
you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age, we were the same
size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big Crock, "what have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Crock.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking
lot by the Parliament House."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars
and wait for one to unlock
the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg,
shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!"
Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem.
You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish
shaking the shit
out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase."

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into
The Warehouse with her two kids in tow, screaming
obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to
The Warehouse, nice children you've got there.
Are they twins?"
The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:
"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the
youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?.....
Do you really think they look alike, you di*khead?"
"Absolutely not, Madam, " replies the greeter,
"I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!"

Black Panties

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back
into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom I have someone for you to meet.
" Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,
he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont .
Their first night there, she undressed as he did
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties;
he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked,
"Why the black panties?" She replied: "My breasts you can fondle,
my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties,
and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?" He replied,
"I want to offer my deepest condolences"

A man and a woman who had never met before, both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Initially embarrassed & uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired & fell asleep quickly... him in the upper bunk & her in the lower.At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down & gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet, to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.""I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.""Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed."Good," she replied. "Get your own XXXXing blanket."After a moment of silence, he farted.

It was the over 60s night at the bingo hall and three chaps were talking
in the queue. "Man, I hate being 60," said one.
"Why?" asked the man in front.
"I've just turned 60 and it is just the worst age to be," said the first man.
"You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you
stand there and nothing comes out."
Ah, that's nothing," said the second man. "I'm 70, and when you my
age you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat
bran, and sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"
"Actually," said the third man, "I'm 80 and I think you'll find that 80
is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" asked the 70-year
old."No, I have one every morning at 6:30." Exasperated, the 60-year-old
said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.
So what's so bad about being 80?"
I don't wake up until 7:00."

Holy Water
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all
perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly
gates past St. Peter. St. Peter asks the first girl,
"Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head
of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and
Pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question,
"Catherine have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and
stroked one."St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The
Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls; one
girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says,
"Molly! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I
want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it."

Women Are Evil By Nature...
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who
approached her immediately.
She seductively signalled that he should bring his face
closer to hers.As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face
with both hands.Actually, no," he replied.
Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said,
running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.
"Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued,
running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly
popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing
him to suck themgently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered,
"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.

A piece of news…

Many of you may have been aware that I’ve returned to part time study to complete a Diploma of Remedial Massage at a Private College at Stones Corner. I need to update my skills and have the opportunity to have patients obtain rebates from Private Health Insurance. So I had a few exemptions of subjects due to prior learning from previous studies. I have already completed Lymphatic Drainage over two full weekends and was happy but annoyed that I completed the subject with a 99% pass rate (the only question I got wrong was an anatomy question). Now 12 years ago when I studied I had to complete Anatomy & Physiology 2 subject (understanding the 12 systems of the body – Cardiovascular, Lymphatic, Sensory (sight, smell, taste, hearing), Renal, Endocrine – you get the drift anyway), back to the story… I failed this subject, even though I found it interesting, I failed it. So when I had to re sit this subject I got rather panicky about it all. I even took 2 days off work before the exam to study for it…. Well I kind of flew through the exam on the day, and ended up making a few errors on the questions about the Kidneys…don’t worry Mum, I’m not going to work in Renal or Dialysis at the Hospital…..I thought I would have done quite well and scored maybe a credit. I have just rung my College to ask about the results…..People I scored 224 marks out of 250 total exam. I have achieved a level 6 – A DISCTINCTION…….

If you could see me right now, I’m doing the happy happy joy joy dance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cheers and thanks for reading, please send money and flowers.

Bring on A & P 3 which starts tomorrow arvo….

Suz

I found this on a friends page, and I thought why the hell not post in here for all of you to do... so here it is, feel free to copy it and add your responses as commentsPlace an X by all the things you've done, or remove the X from the ones you haven't . This is for your entire life!

Smoked a cigarette.
Drank so much you threw up. x
Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back. X
Been arrested.
Gone on a blind date. x
Skipped school. x and felt so guilty i had to tell my Mum...
Seen someone die. X (3 so far)
Been to Canada.
Been to Florida.
Been to Mexico.
Been on a plane. X
Been lost. X
Been on the opposite side of the country.
Gone to Washington , DC.
Swam in the ocean. X
Felt like dying.X
Cried yourself to sleep. X
Played cops and robbers X
Recently colored with crayons.
Sang karaoke. X
Paid for a meal with only coins. X
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't. X
Made prank phone calls. X
Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose. X
Caught a snowflake on your tongue. snow? is there such a thing in my tropical state?? lol
Danced in the rain. X
Written a letter to Santa Claus. X
Been kissed under the mistletoe. X
Watched the sun rise with someone you care about. X Blown bubbles. X
Made a bonfire on the beach.
Crashed a party. x
Gone roller-skating. X
Gone Ice-skating. X
Any Nicknames: Suz e que, Big Red, Godzilla(i was a tall kid at school)Princess Fluff Bottom (my friends don't believe my hubby that a flatuate..hehe)
Mothers Name: Sandra
What is your favorite drink? khalua & Milk, Jim Beam Black Label, Asti Riccodonna, Crouchen Reisling
Tattoos?
Body piercing? belly button, nose, ears
How much do you love your job? i love it so much..yes i'm on holidays
Birthplace: Penrith, NSW
Favorite vacation spot? Sunshine Coast
Ever been to Africa ?
Ever eaten cookies for dinner? x
Ever been on TV?
Ever steal any traffic signs? x
Ever been in a car accident? x
Was it your fault? x
2 doors or 4? 4
Salad Dressing? x
Favorite pie? apricot
Favorite number/s? 3, 7
Favorite movie? Pride and Prejudice, Ice Castles
Favorite holiday? christmas time
Favorite dessert? easier to say what i don't like...hahah
Favorite food? chinese or Italian
Favorite day of the week? saturday
Favorite brand of body soap? Palmolive Glycerine
Favorite t.v. show? x files, ER
Toothpaste? Colgate
Favorite smell? Chocolate Cake & Rain
What do you do to relax? give a massage or receive one
Do you have a message to your friends or family reading this? love you all
How do you see yourself in 10 years? in my own Remedial Massage Practice
What do you do when you are bored? eat
Furthest place you will send this message? to Paul in Wales
Who will respond fastest? doubt anyone would respond
is there someone you would like to get to know better? yes

Another Joke.....

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex
party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them.
The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up
along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and
saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth,
Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were passing out
free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,"
Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from
all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was
bewildered and exclaimed,
"Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures
out, ripthe skin back and suck them dry."
The policeman fainted!

A favourite recipe of mine - The Cheese Log. Enjoy!!!!

Double click on the recipe to enlarge

Joke of the Week

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After awhile he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. ""First, you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next, you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in you mouth, and finally, you drink the lime juice." So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK? Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it .... In one second the sharp lime taste hits .... At two seconds the Baileys curdles .... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,Jesus, what do you call that drink?" She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job"