blue's revenge

2007-04-16T21:19:00.000+10:00

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the
swamp near the lake in Canberra.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,
"I can't understand how
you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age, we were the same
size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big Crock, "what have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Crock.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking
lot by the Parliament House."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars
and wait for one to unlock
the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg,
shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!"
Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem.
You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish
shaking the shit
out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase."

2007-04-16T21:12:00.000+10:00

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into
The Warehouse with her two kids in tow, screaming
obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to
The Warehouse, nice children you've got there.
Are they twins?"
The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:
"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the
youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?.....
Do you really think they look alike, you di*khead?"
"Absolutely not, Madam, " replies the greeter,
"I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!"

2007-04-10T22:38:00.000+10:00

Black Panties

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back
into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom I have someone for you to meet.
" Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,
he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont .
Their first night there, she undressed as he did
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties;
he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked,
"Why the black panties?" She replied: "My breasts you can fondle,
my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties,
and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?" He replied,
"I want to offer my deepest condolences"

2007-03-02T23:03:00.000+10:00

A man and a woman who had never met before, both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Initially embarrassed & uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired & fell asleep quickly... him in the upper bunk & her in the lower.At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down & gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet, to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.""I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.""Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed."Good," she replied. "Get your own XXXXing blanket."After a moment of silence, he farted.

2007-03-02T23:00:00.000+10:00

It was the over 60s night at the bingo hall and three chaps were talking
in the queue. "Man, I hate being 60," said one.
"Why?" asked the man in front.
"I've just turned 60 and it is just the worst age to be," said the first man.
"You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you
stand there and nothing comes out."
Ah, that's nothing," said the second man. "I'm 70, and when you my
age you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat
bran, and sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"
"Actually," said the third man, "I'm 80 and I think you'll find that 80
is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" asked the 70-year
old."No, I have one every morning at 6:30." Exasperated, the 60-year-old
said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.
So what's so bad about being 80?"
I don't wake up until 7:00."

2007-02-20T10:01:00.000+10:00

Holy Water
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all
perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly
gates past St. Peter. St. Peter asks the first girl,
"Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head
of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and
Pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question,
"Catherine have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and
stroked one."St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The
Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls; one
girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says,
"Molly! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I
want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it."

2007-02-19T14:28:00.000+10:00

Women Are Evil By Nature...
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who
approached her immediately.
She seductively signalled that he should bring his face
closer to hers.As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face
with both hands.Actually, no," he replied.
Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said,
running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.
"Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued,
running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly
popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing
him to suck themgently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered,
"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.

2007-02-19T10:23:00.000+10:00

A piece of news…

Many of you may have been aware that I’ve returned to part time study to complete a Diploma of Remedial Massage at a Private College at Stones Corner. I need to update my skills and have the opportunity to have patients obtain rebates from Private Health Insurance. So I had a few exemptions of subjects due to prior learning from previous studies. I have already completed Lymphatic Drainage over two full weekends and was happy but annoyed that I completed the subject with a 99% pass rate (the only question I got wrong was an anatomy question). Now 12 years ago when I studied I had to complete Anatomy & Physiology 2 subject (understanding the 12 systems of the body – Cardiovascular, Lymphatic, Sensory (sight, smell, taste, hearing), Renal, Endocrine – you get the drift anyway), back to the story… I failed this subject, even though I found it interesting, I failed it. So when I had to re sit this subject I got rather panicky about it all. I even took 2 days off work before the exam to study for it…. Well I kind of flew through the exam on the day, and ended up making a few errors on the questions about the Kidneys…don’t worry Mum, I’m not going to work in Renal or Dialysis at the Hospital…..I thought I would have done quite well and scored maybe a credit. I have just rung my College to ask about the results…..People I scored 224 marks out of 250 total exam. I have achieved a level 6 – A DISCTINCTION…….

If you could see me right now, I’m doing the happy happy joy joy dance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cheers and thanks for reading, please send money and flowers.

Bring on A & P 3 which starts tomorrow arvo….

Suz

2007-02-18T17:04:00.000+10:00

I found this on a friends page, and I thought why the hell not post in here for all of you to do... so here it is, feel free to copy it and add your responses as commentsPlace an X by all the things you've done, or remove the X from the ones you haven't . This is for your entire life!

Smoked a cigarette.
Drank so much you threw up. x
Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back. X
Been arrested.
Gone on a blind date. x
Skipped school. x and felt so guilty i had to tell my Mum...
Seen someone die. X (3 so far)
Been to Canada.
Been to Florida.
Been to Mexico.
Been on a plane. X
Been lost. X
Been on the opposite side of the country.
Gone to Washington , DC.
Swam in the ocean. X
Felt like dying.X
Cried yourself to sleep. X
Played cops and robbers X
Recently colored with crayons.
Sang karaoke. X
Paid for a meal with only coins. X
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't. X
Made prank phone calls. X
Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose. X
Caught a snowflake on your tongue. snow? is there such a thing in my tropical state?? lol
Danced in the rain. X
Written a letter to Santa Claus. X
Been kissed under the mistletoe. X
Watched the sun rise with someone you care about. X Blown bubbles. X
Made a bonfire on the beach.
Crashed a party. x
Gone roller-skating. X
Gone Ice-skating. X
Any Nicknames: Suz e que, Big Red, Godzilla(i was a tall kid at school)Princess Fluff Bottom (my friends don't believe my hubby that a flatuate..hehe)
Mothers Name: Sandra
What is your favorite drink? khalua & Milk, Jim Beam Black Label, Asti Riccodonna, Crouchen Reisling
Tattoos?
Body piercing? belly button, nose, ears
How much do you love your job? i love it so much..yes i'm on holidays
Birthplace: Penrith, NSW
Favorite vacation spot? Sunshine Coast
Ever been to Africa ?
Ever eaten cookies for dinner? x
Ever been on TV?
Ever steal any traffic signs? x
Ever been in a car accident? x
Was it your fault? x
2 doors or 4? 4
Salad Dressing? x
Favorite pie? apricot
Favorite number/s? 3, 7
Favorite movie? Pride and Prejudice, Ice Castles
Favorite holiday? christmas time
Favorite dessert? easier to say what i don't like...hahah
Favorite food? chinese or Italian
Favorite day of the week? saturday
Favorite brand of body soap? Palmolive Glycerine
Favorite t.v. show? x files, ER
Toothpaste? Colgate
Favorite smell? Chocolate Cake & Rain
What do you do to relax? give a massage or receive one
Do you have a message to your friends or family reading this? love you all
How do you see yourself in 10 years? in my own Remedial Massage Practice
What do you do when you are bored? eat
Furthest place you will send this message? to Paul in Wales
Who will respond fastest? doubt anyone would respond
is there someone you would like to get to know better? yes

2007-01-17T23:26:00.000+10:00

Another Joke.....

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex
party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them.
The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up
along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and
saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth,
Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were passing out
free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,"
Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from
all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was
bewildered and exclaimed,
"Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures
out, ripthe skin back and suck them dry."
The policeman fainted!

2007-01-17T23:21:00.000+10:00

A favourite recipe of mine - The Cheese Log. Enjoy!!!!

Double click on the recipe to enlarge

2007-01-17T23:03:00.000+10:00

2007-01-17T22:54:00.000+10:00

Joke of the Week

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After awhile he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. ""First, you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next, you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in you mouth, and finally, you drink the lime juice." So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK? Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it .... In one second the sharp lime taste hits .... At two seconds the Baileys curdles .... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,Jesus, what do you call that drink?" She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job"

2007-01-08T14:33:00.000+10:00

Ouvea
This is the greeting at the island Ouvea. The locals greeted us with song and drove the tourists in brand new cars 20 mins to the designated point - Mouli Beach. The home of markets to sell Sarongs, shell jewellery and other tourist items. Quite odd to see brand new cars driven when the locals live in Mud huts. Such a simple way of life many of us thought , these people don't get stressed at all!!!! Some of the best snorkelling are in at a place called 'The Bridge'. Its away from the tourist spot and you have to get there at your own peril. Mouli Beach has the white-ist of white talcum powdery sand. The waters are sparkling blue and clear. Its really a lovely place to lose all thoughts of the daily grind. With no shops either!

Isle of Pines - Our last stop, this was my fav. The island is split in two so to speak. The pic with the tree covered rocks is a sacred site and the best snorkelling is around the base of the rocks. No one is allowed to climb the site. The water close to shore is very warm and the dark color of the water just drops away to cold water with the most beautifully colored fish. They come in quite close to the shore, however, most stay out at these deep parts of
the water.

This pic is to the left of the Sacred Site. It shows the very deep blue water and how far from the sand it is before dropping away to nothing. Again really beautiful palm trees, hence the name Isle of Pines and there has been plenty of filming in this region for movies etc. The sands are a brilliant white - just picture post card. There is a resort - but not in the same sense as we know it. The markets are just huge benches covered with banana leaves and the locals sell cooked foods ( a no no according to the ships Doctor!)

2006-11-21T22:19:00.000+10:00

Pacific Sun Cruise to New Caledonia.... My gorgeous hubby and I went on a cruise with friends to visit Noumea, Ouvea and Isle of Pines Sept/Oct this year. We tempted fate sharing a four berth cabin. Rather interesting when 3 of us ended up with sea sickness and i had to amuse myself in the Casino - but thats another story.

Now this was my first trip overseas and my workmates can recount my 7 week battle to obtain the correct copy of Marriage Certificates, Divorce Certificates, Medical Certificates and finally the Passport interview!!! I was the first one out of the four to start the process and was the last one to receive the passport.

Now P & O have had a bad trot of late with nightmare incidents onboard and we had already gone thru the trouble of selling another ship after we paid the deposit and were due to sail thru Thailand etc....but thats another story.

Leaving Sydney Heads the first thing P & O do is put on a big 'Sail Away' Party...yes your's truly made the most of the Cocktail within the first hour of being on board. After many pics & little videos taken on our digital camera we looked forward to enjoying fun activities and great food, silver service dining, plus the boys had a pact to drink as many cocktails & rack up an unbelievable drinks bill before arrivng back. We had Three days of cruising just to get to New Caledonia, a day of shore tours, then overnight sail to Ouvea and one more night till Isle of Pines, followed by 3 days cruising back to Sydney.

We were greated by Noumean dancers at the Market place - the shipping terminal. They danced as all 1900 passengers disembarked. The Noumeans are quiet pleasant people as long as you can speak some French and are prepared to spend money... The city is virtually a 3rd world city, the number homeless is quite disturbing though (maybe we just miss a lot of homeless in our own cities). The beaches and tourist part is picture postcard - what you see is exactly what it looks like.

2006-11-21T22:02:00.000+10:00

A recent sighting of the Neanderthal Man in captivity....

(actually its just Warren) - it was noted that he hadn't shaved in a while(feburary)so he took a challange to be "The Santa Claus" of our workplace....he did the image of Santa justice, lasting until Boxing day which became the 'big shave day', and i won't mention the fun and games of the flat battery on the cordless shaver and blondie here forgetting to plug the cord in when the battery went flat to finish the job...poor Santa err i mean blondie, sorry umm Warren had to sleep with half a face shaved until the cordless charged up the next day !!!! hahahaha

2006-11-21T21:40:00.000+10:00

Another Cake..... I created this Ten Pin and Bowling Ball cake for one of my League's Trophy Night. Just a quick Choc cake, but it was very effective and there was non left.

2006-11-21T21:15:00.000+10:00

Croc Hunter meets his match

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pa_7P5AbUww

Steve Irwin initiates Ross "the intern" to the wonders of nature...very funny

2006-11-21T20:54:00.000+10:00

The Blonde in the Casino

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet
twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier
when I'm completely nude". With that, she stripped from
the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and
squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each
of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The others answered, "I don't know - I thought you
were watching.

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb,
but all men are men.

2006-10-29T09:10:00.000+10:00

JOKE OF THE WEEK

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement,
not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best
dressed mother- of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new
young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to
exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not, I look like a million
bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart.
I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days
later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they
stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return
the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it.
Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing
it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."

2006-10-19T17:57:00.000+10:00

An Ode to Being Back to Work (my first week back)

Dear Lord,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I cannot accept,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had
to kill today because they pissed my off.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on
today as they may be connected to the ass that I may
have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work...
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Friday.

And help me to remember.....
When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that
people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles
to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell
them to bite me!!

Enjoy your working week.....

2006-10-14T11:17:00.000+10:00

More Cakes

Here's some more Cake Toppers. The Bride dragging the Groom has been forwarded on kindly by Young Peter (see Link) and the Flower Bride & Groom was from my own Wedding Cake - see previous post (My Cakes). I had trouble uploading the pic, so that's why i've only added it now. I'm still in trouble with Peter for not blogging enough....i'm trying Peter!!!!

Ps. See the new pic of me. My hubby and I recently went on a P & O Cruise to New Caledonia. I stumble into this shot (after a bottle of Asti Ricadonna). Thus the result of the glassy look in the eye. I will blog the trip - in months to come no doubt. Plus the Softball State Championships - my girls came in about 5th place overall. But we made it to the Semi Finals non the less

2006-09-19T23:35:00.000+10:00

My Cakes
The Tradition in Australia was
always Fruit Cake and a lot of cakes are ordered as a two or
more tier cake with a different flavour each tier.
(This keeps the old relatives quite mostly).
Americans don't use fruit cake and a they have a
bigger variety of flavours - its not uncommon to
have Banana flavoured, Passionfruit or Strawberry cakes.
They don't use the White Fondant, its always a Butter Icing
(I always suspected they were odd; now i know!!)
Now if you are of the Greek or Croatian persuation,
then depending on how affluent your family are,
or what the Social Standing in the community will depend
on how many tiers your cake will be and these tiers are
usually 'linked' by pillars or 'bridges' together.
Again the Fruit Cake with White Fondant is the preferred choice.

Over the years the top tier
decoration has changed. Mostly we had the plastic figurine
of the Bride & Groom or a Horse & Carriage.
Then came the 'Flower' explosion and out the door went the
figurines of Couples, Carriages, doves, rings etc and in came
the huge variety of different flowers.

Today a lot of cakes reflect the colors
of the bridal flowers usually made of sugar, or fresh flowers
(very hard to keep fresh i might add!).
If flowers aren't to the couples' likening they can also choose
handmade polystyrene base figures of the Bride & Groom complete
with hair color and dress color. I went this option on my own
wedding cake (unfortunately they made my husband appear
taller...bad mistake i'm still receiving counselling for!!!).
Another choice is the 'sparklers', with shapes or letters,
hand painted and inserted into the tier.

The options are endless and
so when i'm asked how much for a cake, my mind boggles with
any number of questions. I'm usually armed with the latest
copy of Bridal Magazine, my portfolio and the request of
cake pictures the couple have seen and their wedding colors
.....The best part is how much i can undercut my rivals for
...hehehehe

Cool Slideshows

2006-07-18T21:20:00.000+10:00

G'day Thrillseekers,

I have finally found the time to put a message on my newly created blog. I replied to a friend of a friends blog and have been hounded to do a blog of my own. My blog might not be the most interesting or creative, but thankfully no one is the same and that's what makes the world an interesting place.

Who is this idiot? i hear the cyberspace say...well, how about a few facts.....

I love to Cook, i'm a whiz in the world of Cake decorating. I make Celebration cakes, anything from Weddings, Birthdays, Engagements, Christening and most recently novelty cakes.

I love Ten Pin Bowling, i bowl 3 days or more a week between league and being coached or in-house tournaments.

I'm into Softball, i play, Manage an Under 16's Rep team and we are training for the Qld State Championships in September this year.
(so at the moment i'm cooking a sweet treat for the girls each week - i'm sure combining 2 talents into 1 activity will score me extra brownie points).

I love to read - Stephen King, John Grisham and Pauline Simons (trilogy, about Tatiana and Alexander.. can't put those books down!).

What else...ummm I love my house & still renovating, I love my gorgeous Hubby - Roger, gardening, and on and on and on.....an endless list.

Anyway, its time i stopped blabbing..

C U L8r,

Suz